Thursday, January 9, 2014

5 Ways To Get Rid Of A Stage Five Clinger

Image of Jenna Marbles found on

      So you've hooked yourself a stage five clinger. I am truly sorry. *Moment of silence* Moving on, at some point everyone will have a run-in with a stage five clinger, even if they are a stage five clinger. If I'm going too fast and you don't understand what a stage five clinger is (although you should), I'll break it down for you. This is basically that guy/girl that text's you all the time, or more than is appropriate. They always want to see you, be around you, talk to you, smell you...Okay that last one might be exaggerating a
bit, but hey, ya never know. Anyway, stage five clingers are never fun, and need to be dropped faster than those 5 pounds you gained over the holidays. Here are 5 ways to get rid of a Stage Five Clinger:

  • Cold Turkey- Stop talking to them. I mean it, be strong. Don't give in! If you see a text, ignore it. Missed call? Who cares. Facebook message? Well, make sure you read it (so he/she see's the read receipt), but don't respond. If you see him/her at a party, just keep walking. While this may seem rude and mean, it's for everyone's own good. You don't need a Stage Five Clinger in your life, and the Clinger needs some time alone to reevaluate his/her approach.
  • Gross-out Factor- If the Cold Turkey approach doesn't work, sometimes you can get the Stage Five Clinger to leave you alone if you make yourself seem unappealing. Damn, stop looking so good! If you show up to a party in ratty old clothing and Crocks, messy hair and your best interpretation of Miranda Sings makeup (haha), you are sure to be left alone.
  • Boyfriend- Okay so nothing else is working. Time to whip out the boyfriend card. This one really only works if the stage five clinger is a dude. While this is a no-brainer, I'll explain. Tell the Clinger about how much you love your boyfriend, but how hard it can be to deal with his jealousy and rage issues. I'll bet the Clinger will go running in the other direction. Just in case he doesn't, you should have a picture of you and a (preferably jacked) dude as your background on your phone, that you can show to said Clinger.
  • Jenna Marbles Face- Hopefully you know what I'm talking about, but if not, watch this video. Master it. Just do as Jenna says, and make this face anytime the Clinger even tries to make eye contact with you. And Do. Not. Talk. The Clinger will probably think there is something wrong with you, but hey! You'll be free!
  • Karma- This one is a last resort. If absolutely nothing is working on the Stage Five Clinger (although steps 1-4 rarely fail), then it's time to get overbearing. If the Clinger doesn't seem affected by your terrible appearance, boyfriend, lack of interest, and Jenna face, then it is time to take a walk on the Clinger side. Become one with your inner Stage Five Clinger, and get to it! Time to give this dude/dudette a taste of their own medicine, and cling like you've never clung before. Note: This is a last resort because half the time, the Clinger may just enjoy being clung to.
      If you have a Stage Five Clinger on your hands, it's best to rid of them as quickly as possible. And if you are a Stage Five Clinger...tsk tsk, shame on you. Go take a time out.
Warby Parker

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